12 March: Some things I don't recommend. (Jen)

I've tried all of these in succession, and they have very bad consequences. Trust me; don't do them. 1] Get your nose pierced after having had only a venti americano for breakfast, when you're three weeks pregnant (this may cause you to faint -- twice, making awful seizure-like movements for your frightened husband and the piercer who has never seen anyone faint before). 2] For the next 2.5 months, continue trying to pick your nose, including the nostril which is trying to heal from the recent piercing. 3] Scratch the healing hole in your nose in the early morning (around 5:45 am), causing your nose ring stud to fall out of your nose and on to your pillow. Especially don't do this 3 days before 2 of your husband's term papers are due. 4] If you happen to do this,  don't yell an obscenity and then turn on the bedroom light, walk to the mirror on the wall, and try to put the stud back into your nose. This may cause your husband some alarm (after which he will be unable to sleep and will just have to start his day 2 hours earlier than usual) and recall that putting that stud through your nose without having breakfast was a bad idea the first time you tried it. You just might feel faint, lay on the floor on your back (the supine!), and stay that way for at least 20 minutes, while your husband tries to coax (and assist) you back into bed, which, in retrospect, will seem as safe an option as the floor, but in the moment, the thought of moving will be abhorrent as you try to fight the desire to give up and just pass out. 5] Don't go through the whole day trying to ignore the empty hole in your nose, wishing that your husband would just take you by surprise and thrust the stud back into its hole before you have time to faint. It won't happen like that (especially if your husband treasures your trust), and giving the hole all day to heal creates a no-win for when you want to put the stud back in at night. 6] Don't ask your husband to just put it back in as you're going to bed at 12:30 am. It's not as simple as "put it back in" and if he's tired and you're tired, you're just courting disaster. Plus, it's not nice or smart to ask the one who loves you more than anything to thrust a blunt object into a healed hole, causing you to bleed and potentially causing the stuff of his nightmares -- spasmodic fainting. Nor is it nice to moan and yell and let your body shake with the pain he's causing you. Oh, and don't ask to squeeze your cute little lamby stuffed animal and make it look like you're trying to rip its head off. 7] Finally, don't stop him in the middle to ask him to take a tic-tac, insist that he give you a break while the stud is about half-way in, and then insist that he try again, after your nostril has been swelling for about 20 minutes. If you do this, you're likely to just give up around 2 am because you can't handle the pain anymore. And then you and your exhausted husband will have to try to find a way to sleep after all that trauma and your rejection of him. In short, just wait until after the pregnancy to pierce anything, and never ask your husband to re-pierce your nose without a sharp piercing implement. Just never ask him to cause you that much pain; it's not fair.